The thing I'm struggling with about this diet is that it makes you FEEL.

Although it is strongly rumoured that a cup of tea will cure ANY problem sometimes this is just not true.

There are times when a good stiff vodka, a glass of whiskey or a big glass of crisp white wine is NEEDED.

Because the things you FEEL are just too big to deal with.

I'm not talking about getting into a drunken stupor because of course at some point the next day when you sober up the feelings would still be there.

I just mean that on receiving difficult news or when your head is stuck in a difficult place a good strong spirit can help settle the nerves.

BUT of course due to calorific content vodka, wine and whiskey are all out. So I guess I'll keep on drinking the tea with a dash of skimmed milk and hope that the tea can at least dilute the horrible feelings enough for me to sort my head out soon.

It is a sad day for me today. I learnt that one of my best childhood friends has died aged 28. We hadn't maintained a close friendship in adulthood as circumstances led us to drift apart. I last met her for lunch a few months ago when we met up for the first time in years. We intended to meet up every couple of weeks but sadly life got in the way and it never happened. She leaves behind a son age 12 and a daughter age 5 and my heart really goes out to them and her family.

I lost 8lb at weigh-in today ... normally i would have been extatic at that but it just doesn't seem appropriate today.

Today has served as a stark reminder that life really is too short.

Its weigh-in day today. Am hoping for good results - at least 4lbs.
I'll have to wait till tonight to find out. Shame I can't be weighed first thing in the morning as I am a good 2/3lbs lighter!

Well I have sorted it out and am back on track. Thanx for your support.

Think I've shifted those 3 pesky pounds and maybe lost a couple more as well. Ha. I win.

Have had new kitchen delivered. It is being fitted in two weeks time. I can't wait. Until then though it is in a heap in the middle of the lounge as we have nowhere to store it. Makes for an interesting agility course though trying to get from one end of the lounge to the other! The whole downstairs of our house hasn't been updated since about 1970! We bought it about 8 months ago and are slowly working our way through. It will be great to finally have a nice modern kitchen.

Madmonk I've been checking out your beer festival website...looks like a fantastic excuse to get shitfaced for three days solid! oh yeah and make money for charity or something... and drink a bit more and a bit more. Seriously though looks like you've had lots of success with it over the years. Well done you!

Right am off to make my tea... chicken salad... just for a change.. thank god for balsamic vinegar its the only thing keeping me sane.

Have a good weekend everyone!

Day 86. This should be a complete breeze by now. I should have a well established routine and the weight should be falling off me. But it isn't. It seems to be getting harder and harder. I'm off work again too. Had more bum surgery so can't exercise. Can't do much apart from lay on setee feeling sorry for myself and wandering what I can eat!

But yeah, this weightloss mission is definately getting harder and harder. Apart from on week one when I lost 10lbs, I have struggled every week only loosing 2lb here and 1lb there and the occassional 3 pounder on a really good week.

Its so bloody frustrating.

I'm so annoyed I took my eye off the ball and ended up putting on three fecking pounds. But I did. So the situation now is:-

I STILL need to loose TEN POUNDS to reach my 3 stone goal. I STILL need to loose SIX pounds within the next 3 weeks to make sure my BMI is absolutely definatley 100% UNDER 29!

I don't have time to mess up another week. If I fuck up again and eat something I shouldn't it means I have fucked up my chance at having a much longed for baby. So that is the harsh reality. I need to get my head into gear, stop pissing about and SORT IT OUT!!

A big fat chocolate filled oops!!

Got weighed yesterday. Have put on 3 pounds! Arrghhh. I knew I'd put one or maybe even two but THREE omg i was not expecting that!

Soooo I've really gotta get a grip this week. Need to loose the 3 I've put on AND another 3 over the next few weeks. Bugger!

This diet is NO FUN. But I guess it isn't meant to be fun. It is meant to shift the weight and get results. And if I can actually find my willpower again and stick to it I can make it work.

Doesn't help that it's my hubby's birthday today and we're having family round for a Pizza birthday tea followed by birthday cake. I am cooking myself a chicken salad as we speak and am going to forego the cake.

Must stay positive. I can do it!!!!!! I WILL be skinny!!!!! I DO love salad!!!

Bereavement is a strange and rather cruel process.

I had never felt the full force of bereavement until I lost my mum last September. Don't get me wrong I had grieved for extended family and friends prior to this but never did anyone else's death hit me quite like the death of my mum.

In the very early days I felt the pain and accepted it, to be honest I was happy and relieved that she was finally at peace. The final days were really hard - my sister would stay with her during the day and I would stay with her during the night as we didn't want her to die alone (she was in a hospice at the end). I was glad these horrible few days were over and my mum at peace.

Immediately afterwards my mind would play tricks on me. I would wake up in the morning and for a split second I would forget that she had died, and a second later I would realise that she had gone and feel that sadness all over again. I guessed that this was a normal reaction.

Phase One - Really Shit But Hopeful
I told myself things would get easier/better after the funeral - but they didn't. Then I told myself things would be better once I returned to work - but they didn't. But I put a smile on my face carried on and believed things would be back to normal after Christmas - but no. Even after I had sorted through her belongings, things still weren't any easier or any better.

Phase Two - Really Shit and Hopeless
In mid-January this year I realised that things were actually completely and utterly shit. I can remember the exact moment. The immense stress of the previous 18 months hit me like ton of bricks. It was horrible at the time, but from that moment onwards things really did start to get better and easier. With the help of some TLC from my hubby, a few good friends, and a couple of counselling sessions I was soon back on track and feeling positive again. This was Phase Three - Hopefull and a Little Less Shit.

Phase Four - Okay and Very Hopeful
So nine months on I feel much more at ease with the whole death thing. I can talk freely about my mum without getting upset (most of the time). I can look at photos and remember happy times rather than just feeling sad. I look to the future and hope that one day I can be as good a mum to my children (if we ever manage to get there!) as she was to me. I also find that when people say/do something that my mum might have said/done, I embrace the fact that they remind me of her rather than just wishing that she were here instead of them.

So I can accept all of that. BUT here's the part of the process that I have a problem with and the bit that I find most cruel:-

Phase Five - Anniversary Looming All Old Feelings Resurface, Start Again at Phase One!!!!!!

What's that all about then!?!? A definate design flaw I think!! It takes nearly a year to really feel back on track... but the fact that it's nearly been a year means that you don't feel back on track because you are dreading the first anniversary so you end up feeling like you are back in phase one....Really Shit But Hopeful!

So I'm just wandering how many times I'll have to go through this cycle and whether it gets easier each time. I'm also wandering if there is a Phase Six? I'd like to think that there is one. I'm not sure what it would be called. Maybe just Happiness. I don't know.... maybe someone can enlighten me??

I realise this post has nothing at all to do with the diet. But to be honest I've completely fooked up on the diet front this week and am extremely mad at myself so would prefer not to talk about it!!!

Well I went to my hospital appointment last week and my BMI was..... big drum roll..... 29.5. The consultant said this was fine and I could proceed to next stage (waiting for appointment with nurse). Got the next available appointment which is half way through July! So more waiting then. Great.

THEN the next day I got a phone call. My BMI must be 29 or under. Therefore at BMI 29.5 I am still too overweight to proceed. OMFG!!! However they are not going to make me cancel the nurses appointment but will weigh me again in July. Seriously for fucks sake this is doing my head in now!!

I'm gonna ring the clinic back though because my weight was 12stone 12lb and my height is 5ft 6inches (at the very least!) - according to the NHS online BMI calculator my BMI is therefore 29.05 not 29.5. This means I have to be re-weighed because of ONE POUND! Arrgghh. Soooo I need to know whether they got a different weight/height measurement for me or if the .05 was read as .5 if you see what i mean. It just seems so ridiculous. Never once did i imagine that ALL THIS BLOODY STRESSING OVER ONE POUND OF FAT was part of the wonderful process of having a baby. It's certainly not the naive rose tinted vision of conceiving a baby i had as a newlywed!!

Anyway i have to stop moaning, pull myself together and just shift a few more stubbon pounds in the next few weeks. Shouldn't be too hard EXCEPT that I have re-discovered food and seem to have gone a bit mental with it!! Decided to allow myself a few treats over the weekend, including meals out with pudding & all, voka & diet coke (was pissed after one pub measure), marshmallows dipped in chocolate fountain, icecream, more diet coke, mincemeat concoction, etc etc etc.

I went to weigh in last night and was delighted to have lost one pound BUT i think it will catch up on me next week. I really need to get my head down and do this stoopid diet properly ALL WEEK. But i am completely and utterly sick of drinking/eating these bloody foodpacks. arrgghhh arrghh arrghhhhhhhh. My willpower has completely deserted me. My self discipline has vanished. I don't feel sad though or guilty or depressed. In fact I feel happier and had the best weekend I have had in a long long time. The problem is it just proves that i do need to eat/drink in order to have a good time! Ugh. I just wish I could get some self control back for a few more weeks. I suppose i have to. I have too much to loose otherwise. But sometimes it is bloody hard work.

I have the added pleasure of an EUA (Examination under Anasthetic) next week for my other tres embarassing medical problem. So, yeah, that's something to look forward to! Means I'll get hospital food though ... yum yum.

ooohhh i haven't blogged for ages cos I've had no inspiration and now I can't stop typing! Funny things blogs aren't they?

I have lost another 2 lb this week which means my BMI is now 29! I am very very happy with this ... it has happened just in time for my appointment on Thursday.

I have now lost a total of 2 stone 6 pounds. I am a little disapointed that I haven't reached the 3 stone barrier yet but I think this can be attributed to three things:-

1. Due to my stay in hosptial and recent bum surgery I haven't been able to exercise at all for several weeks.

2. I have been taking Lactulose solution every night for the past few weeks to prevent constipation. I only realised this week that lactulose is pure sugar! No wonder I have only been loosing a couple of pounds at a time. Still I would rather keep taking it than risk being constipated.

3. I haven't been strict about ensuring milk is skimmed when out in coffee shops/restaurants etc. I also haven't weighed any of the protein and have just guesstimated.

So all things considered I guess 2 stone 6 isn't too bad.

I want to keep going now until my BMI is in the middle of my "healthy range". This means I need to loose another 2 stone 7 lbs and would take my weight down to 10 stone 5 pounds. Now that WOULD be an achievement!!! I can't remember the last time I saw "10" on the scales!

One thing I have noticed is that all the people that were very critical and negative about this diet in the beginning (most of whom are overweight themselves) seem to be singing a different tune now!! They have seen the change in me and realised that I haven't starved or fainted with hunger or anything and I bet it isn't long before they tell me they are going to do it too!

Another thing I noticed at the weekend... i was at a party and felt a bit put out that I wasn't drinking. I decided to allow myself 2 vodka & sodas without any guilt as I didn't think it could do too much damage weight wise. Anyhow.. as soon as I allowed myself to drink... I didn't want it anymore! So it proves that I always want what I can't have, and when I can have it, I don't want it! So yeah, I didn't bother and stuck to water (which incidently was free and made for a very cheap night out!).

...I am The One And Only.. nobody I'd rather be... I am the One And Only.. you can't take that away from me..da da dada da la la da da......

For some unfathomable reason I have had this mightily annoying song in my head ALL DAY!! It is driving me crazy

Oh well... I have passed it on to you nowDD

I AM THE ONE AND ONLY.... NOBODY I'D RATHER BE.... hmm hmmm la la la la la hmm hmm la la...