Martines weightloss (W8)

Well I haven't been doing the diet now for a few months and have put on 8lbs since my lightest. My belly is definatley getting rounder by the day.... and I've never been happier... because...

After four long years of heartache, four years of being prodded and poked and having numerous intimate humiliating tests and treatments, four years of waiting and wandering, of hope and despair. Four years of thoughtless "just relax & it'll happen" comments from well meaning but ill informed people. After being told we would never conceive our own biolgical child to years later being told there is nothing wrong and we should be able to conceive naturally! After four years worth of Christmases with no child and of mother's days with no-one to call you mum, after working hard to transform our bodies into heavenly alcohol free, fat free temples, after watching our friends, family and colleagues around us have baby after baby after baby... and after the devastating death of my mum along the way...we are officialy and ecstatically 12 WEEKS PREGNANT!!!!!

Whoooo!! Even now it still doesn't seem real. I feel like its just another dream that I'm going to wake up from and find out it wasn't real. But it is real. Because the numerous positive pregnancy tests, the blood tests at the clinic and the two early monitoring scans PROVE that its true. I AM PREGNANT!!! I AM PREGNANT WHOOOO!! I'M PREEEEGGGGGNNNNAAAANTTTTT!!!

Hi - just incase you wondered...

I've decided to keep a treatment diary on FertilityFriends.co.uk so won't be posting on here for the time being. xx

Well as a quick update that summarises it quite well really. Yep. Am definatley feeling fat, infertile and like I'm loosing the plot!

Been doing the weight "management" thang for about a month or so. It's not going too bad I suppose but i have gained a little, well quite a bit actually, I've put on 4 lbs. So thats not good. I have a very bad habit of binge eating for comfort. It know its wrong, I know it will make me put on weight, I know there are better ways to cope with stuff, I know, I know, I know but sometimes it is still hard to keep that control. But I am trying. I do not want to be like one of the women at the class who lost FIVE stone then put SEVEN back on!! No no no!

As for whole fertility thing, we are mid way through round two of stimulated IUI. Went to the hospital last Thursday for baseline scan and bloods. Started injections that night this time using "step up" protocol starting with 75ml of Puregon only for 7 nights. Am due to go back on Thursday for another scan to see whether any follicles have grown. Am bit nervous as this is where we got to last time then had to abandon due to poor response. Lets hope this time is different.

It will be a miracle if both hubby & I make it through this treatment cycle alive. I'm not sure who wants to kill the other one more. But the cracks are definatley starting to show. I fear that we are both slowly but surely loosing the plot.

Next Tuesday it will be a year to the day since my mum died, so I guess there's no wonder i am struggling a bit - okay a lot.

I just hope and pray that this is our time for happiness now. Please let this work... please please let us have a baby. We need this to work now more than ever before.

Well i was doing so well today.

But then I happened across a tub of Skinny Cow Choc Cookie icecream and seem to have eaten nearly the whole tub!! Yum.

Oh well. Must try harder tomorrow!

Well the good news is I have got up this morning and have retained my new found enthusiasm and motivation from yesterday!! Yippee.

I've downed a chocolate milkshake, 1 litre of water and a cup of coffe for breakfast and am ready to face the day!

Phew! I've only put on one pound so my crazed binge eating has resulted in minimal damage. It could have been much much worse!

My lovely w8 consultant talked some sense back into me so i feel motivated for the week ahead. So I'm going back onto the regular plan which means:-

4 foodpacks per day
4 litres of water per day
small chicken breast/salmon fillet with leafy carb free veg for tea
tea/coffe with skimmed milk (upto 1/2 pint per day)

I'm gonna try to walk for at least 30 mins every day too. This will probably have to be after work in the evening because i am just too lazy to get up early no matter how hard i try!!

I'm hoping for a weight loss of at least 3 pounds next week. Ideally I'd like to loose another 2 stone 4 pounds over the forthcoming months. Obviously I will have to fit this in around fertility treatment so I'm just gonna concentrate on one week at a time and see what happens.

Uh-oh. Its weigh day tomorrow. Not had a good week food wise. In fact had a completely dismal week and exercised no self control whatsoever. I've eaten loads of crap - sausage roll, banana cake, chips, digestive biscuits, icecream, rose wine etc etc etc.

So I think I've put on a good 2 lbs.

This is something of a disaster because I cannot afford to put any weight on at all or we will not get the fertility treatment. But i have used food to comfort eat my way through a difficult week. Despite knowing i shouldn't. Despite knowing that it will make me put weight on. But i still did it anyway ... how goddam annoying!

OMG its like being back at the beginning!!! I'll have to muster up the energy to get back on track and start loosing weight again. In fact, no, I am not back at the beginning - I am still 2 stone 12lbs lighter than i was a few months ago which is a pretty good achievment.

But anyway I think I'm gonna get myself back in ketosis and try to shift another stone before the start of my next IUI. Only problem is I don't know when that will be. Could be two weeks, could be five weeks. Nobody knows. It all depends when my body decides it is ready. So its kinda hard to plan anything. Oh well. I'll just take it as it comes.

But for now I'm going back on a WEIGHTLOSS MISSION! Happy days.

I'm feeling a bit fed up and foolish today.

Fed up because:-
1. Had to abandon IUI - and therefore abandon my hopes & dreams again for another month.
2. The scarring on my butt has started swelling up which can only mean there is infection present - which can only mean I'm gonna have to have MORE surgery!
3. It's my mums birthday in two days and she isn't here to celebrate it.

Foolish because:-
1. I let myself believe that I could get pregnant through the power of positive thinking. Which I clearly can't.
2. I let myself believe that somehow my mum's spirit could influence the outcome of the IUI. Which clearly it can;t.
3. I put all my energy into telling myself that if I believed it and wanted it enough then this treatment would be "the one" and that i would get pregnant. And clearly that is a load of rubbish.

You see me getting pregnant has nothing to do with spirits or positive energy or any other hippy trippy beliefs - it comes down to pure biology. I only hope that one day the wonderful doctors at the fertility clinic can get the scientific equation exactly right and help us have a baby.

Went for scan and blood test this morning. To cut a long story short the drugs haven't worked and we have to abandon this cycle and start again all over again next month following a different regime.

I am dissapointed to say the least

So its back to the beginning. More waiting...more wondering if this will ever work... and more bloody dieting because I will have to be weighed again next month to make sure I am not a single iota of a pound over BMI 29.

So all i can say right now is

Well the IUI is going okay ...so far so good

The supecur injections are probably my least favourite bit so far. They sting a bit and leave a red lump for a few hours followed by a bruise. I've been told that the key is to inject it slowly, and that is exactly what hubby is doing. Poor thing, he feels really mean injecting me when he can see it hurts! I will have to try and be braver tonight

I'm looking forward to going back to the clinic on Tuesday. I'm desparate to know how many follicles I have grown and how big they are. For the past couple of days I've had a mild but constant dull ache on the right hand side just about where my ovary is. I don't know whether this is a good thing because they are producing a big follicle, or a bad thing because they are over stimulated and producing lots of follicles which would mean cancelling the cycle. Oh well, I'll have to wait a couple more days to find out.

Had a glorious day in the sunshine today at my (very pregnant) friend's house. It is always nice but difficult to spend time with her. I hate that infertility has had an impact on our relationship. At the moment it can be difficult to find common ground. She is obviously excited about her impending new arrival and obsessed by all things "baby". I too am excited for her but sometimes find that her large bump is a constant reminder of what I cannot have. I feel tremendously jealous of her pregnant bump and feel so very hurt that I might never know what it is like ... and then I feel horribly ashamed of myself for being such a horrible selfish person. AFter I left her house today I drove myself home in tears.... and then I put on my Eddie Grant CD (which hubby bought me yesterday as a present to cheer me up) and sang my heart out to "i don't wanna dance" until i had stopped crying!

I knew this wasn't going to be easy.... I don't care that it's not easy... all i ask is please please let it work.