Have been to see my friend in hospital today. She has been feeling unwell for about three weeks now and is very yellow with jaundice. Initial investigations found a large "mass" on her liver which the Doctors suspected was a cancerous tumor. She was awaiting a biopsy and CT scan but yesterday became even more ill and was admitted to hospital where the CT scan was carried out as an emergency.

There is indeed a mass on her liver but it is NOT cancer. Thank God.

The mass is a parasite. A parasite that does not live in this country and is found in South America, New Zealand, Australia and the Mediterranean. At some point over the last few years, she has ingested this parasite whilst on holiday. It has taken residence in her liver and has grown to nearly 6cm long, 6cm wide and 5cm deep!!!! It has now started to block her bile ducts which in turn has caused the jaundice.

Her case has bamboozled doctors at the hospital who have never seen a case of this before. The consultant remarked that it was like an episode of House! Her blood samples have been sent to a laboratory in London for a second opinion and confirmation of the exact type of parasite. She may be transferred to a city hospital tomorrow where they have a resident liver specialist.

So although she is still poorly and will need to have an operation to remove the parasytic cyst at least she does not have a large cancerous tumor about to try and rob her of her life.

I am so very very very very thankful for this and have breathed a huge sigh of relief today.

After all the extra hard work this week, increased exercise, increased water and complete food abstinence Mon-Fri, I have managed to loose.........

three fecking pounds. Great.

This just takes the piss now. I am sticking to this diet 100% and yet my weekly losses are less than every other person on this freaking diet (including those that cheat). It really is not fair
I clearly was meant to be fat.

The MOST frustrating thing is I am quite happy with my size now (Size 16). I have always had a curvy figure with big child bearing hips and big (.)(.)
I am fit and healthy. My blood pressure is perfect. Cholesterol is perfect. I can do an hour at the gym relatively easily. I don't have asthma or allergies or diabetes or any other illnesses. I don't have any health problems at all. I don't have any problems with MY fertility (trust me I have endured enough blood tests, scans, xrays, glow-in-the-dark dye pumped through my fallopian tubes, probing questions about intimate details, internal examinations and what feels like hundreds of doctors/nurses looking at my once private parts to be sure of this!!). The reason for our fertility problems is male factor. BUT none of this matters one iota. Because until my BMI is 29 or under nothing else matters.

I do understand that the chances of the treatment being successful are increased if my BMI is in the "healthy" range and I can see that it is beneficial to loose weight generally HOWEVER why does this rule only seem to apply to fertility treatment. I have never heard of anyone else having to reduce their BMI to access treatment for any other illness on the NHS. My husband and I have paid NI contributions our whole working lives like everyone else, and please don't tell me that infertility is not an illness. My husband did not choose to have poor sperm morphology. God it is just so bloody frustrating sometimes. We have dutifully jumped through every hoop put in front of us to try and have a chance at conceiving our own child. Once upon a time our goal was to have a baby. Now that just seems so out of our reach that simply achiving a pregnancy would be a huge milestone. If the consultant told us we had to swim backwards across the English channel dressed as Batman and Robin while singing Christmas Carols in order to conceive then we would.
And that is why I will wake up tomorrow to a new day, put a smile on my face, and continue to try my bloody best with this horrible diet. I WILL loose the weight required, and in 6 weeks the consultant WILL tick the box to give us the go-ahead for treatment. I WILL do this because this is one fight I am NOT prepared to loose.

Rant over.

Still doing the stoopid diet.

Its weigh-in tomorrow. As usual I am hopefull for a 5 lb+ weight loss ... but realistically am probably gonna get a measly 2/3 lbs.

I've been to the gym 3 times this week and have done loads of walking so have done quite well exercise wise.

I've drunk loads of water and don't find it such an issue now, at long last.

I have had 2 allowed meals at the weekend but did full abstinence Mon-Fri. It made me feel really tired all week.

Since I don't eat/drink/smoke etc I have decided to treat myself by buying new clothes. It is a good feeling to buy size 16 clothes again and have them fit me properly!

I am getting fed up of this diet though and would LOVE some real food. We have 1/2 a lamb and 1/2 a pig in the freezer just waiting to be eaten (we have farmers in the family!) and I can't wait to try it yuuummmmmmmm.

Well i've got my fingers crossed for tomorrow. I really have put the effort in this week and feel i deserve a decent weight loss!!

..was also going to say that I find it quite amusing that in my Profile my location is shown as "Yorkshire" but the powers that be feel it necessary to add "speaks English"! No shit sherlock. I know we might be "oop north" but we still speak English!

Day 32 of W8 diet. Wow!
Thats all i have to say today really!!!
I a just pleased I have made it to day THIRTY TWO without fucking up!!
Quite a new experience!!!

Ohhhh I've gone mad with unnecessary exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Diet still going well. Haven't given in to temptation. Been dreaming of drinking diet coke though. Would LOVE to have an ice cold can of diet coke mmmmmm. But I can't.

Anyway I've been thinking about the positive things I've noticed since loosing some weight, and about things I want to do when I am skinny. So here are my lists (I write lists for everything...I think i am actually addicted to writing lists...I drive my husband mad with my list writing at home, and I drive my colleagues mad with my neverending to-do lists/activity lists/birthday lists/holiday lists etc at work...but it never drives me mad because I love writing lists )

Good things I've noticed so far:-
1. I look better!
2. My rings fit me
3. I can buy clothes in any high street shop
4. I can go to gym and not feel rediculous
5. I can walk into a room full of people and not be the fattest person in the room (most of the time anyway).
6. I no longer assess the strength of a chair before sitting down!
7. I don't dread having my photo taken.
8. I have loads more energy.
9. I only have one chin!
10. I can wear high heels and be comfortable

Things I wanna do when I'm skinny:-

1. Have a baby (oops then I'll be fat again!)
2. Go pony trekking
3. Get the mountain bike out the shed and ride it
4. Go climbing
5. Go on safari in Africa to see the big 5 then chill in Zanzibar for a few days (oh yeah and win the lottery so I can achieve this one)
6. Do the "Three Peaks" challenge
7. Wear a dress & look sexy not frumpy
8. Have a piggyback
9. Squeeze into small places just because i can
10.Be able to share a seat with someone when there are too many people and not enough seats.
11. Go to a themepark and go on all the rides.

So yeah. Loosing weight is good. Not always easy but the results are worth it.

Goodnight

Well here I am again late night blogging. Where has the day gone?

I've had a great day today. Had a productive and fun day at work. We're quite a small team and all get on really well. Think there was something in the air today because we were all a bit giddy for no real reason. So have spent the day laughing hysterically over nothing at all really!

Also the temperature outside has been half decent and I'm starting to believe that summer might be just around the corner. I can't wait for some SUNSHINE.

Plus I have been able to wear more of my "skinny" clothes. Great feeling. Oh and I can sit crosslegged on the chair as I type if i want cos my arse no longer takes up the whole seat. Fantastic.

I have had all my foodpacks and no food whatsoever. Have had 5.5 litres of water. Not really done any exercise today but an going 2 gym in morning so that's okay.

So yeah everything was going great.... but not for long.

A friend of mine rang me this evening to tell me she is ill. It is believed (though not yet 100% confirmed) that she has cancer of the liver. There is a slight glimer of hope that the tumor is benign but not much. I am gutted for her. I am waiting for her to ring back and tell me it was a sick joke. But she hasn't, cos it isn't. I am so scared for her. The nasty and painful reality of cancer is so fresh in my mind, I can't bear to think of her suffering like my mum did. Life can be so bloody cruel and unfair sometimes. If I wasn't such a big fat atheist I would be praying for her right now.

So yeah that is why I am up again late night blogging, too worried to sleep.

One day I will have had such fantastic happy exciting news that I won't be able to sleep. One day i will be up late night blogging about how unbelievably happy I am. I can't wait for that day...please let it be soon!

Well I've been for weigh-in today (usually go on Tuesdays so am a day early this week).

Had high hopes as usual, done well with exercise, water, sticking to plan etc.

Lost 3 lbs. Hmm not great really. Okay I guess but not great. Haven't lost any inches from my waist

At this rate I am not gonna get my BMI to 29 or under within the next 7 weeks. Soooooo am taking hardcore action. Going for complete abstinence. Goodbye evening meal ... hello stinky soup.

I WILL DO THIS!!

All is going well

Friday = 4 foodpacks, 6 litres of water + 1 hour at gym
Saturday = 4 foodpacks, 5 litres of water + 45min walk
Sunday = 2 foodpacks so far, 2 litres so far and no exercise but have done loads of housework so I guess that could count.

I now have the healthiest most clean living lifestyle of anyone I know.

I don't drink any alcohol, don't smoke, don't take drugs, don't eat anything thats not on the "allowed" foods list and barely drink any caffine. The veg we do have is organic, the eggs we buy are freerange and the car I drive has very low CO2 emissions. I am faithfull to my husband, I have high moral standards, am always kind to others and I give regularly to charity.

So now that I have made this transition into saintly living I am left with just one problem... what the hell CAN I do to have FUN?!?!?

I don't really have insomnia, I just can't sleep.

Can't seem to switch my brain off. Doesn't really matter as I have got the day off work tomorrow so don't need to be up in the morning.

I guess I'm just really missing my mum. I would love to tell her how we got on at the hospital today. She was so excited at the prospect of being a grandma, and so devestated when she realised cancer would rob her of that opportunity. She was only 56. Not exactly old.

Even though it's been 7 months since she died I still think about her and miss her evey single day. I lost so much when I lost my mum. I lost my best friend, my inspiration, my counsellor, my motivator and my voice of reason. I lost the one person on this planet who would love me unconditionally no matter what I did (and I have done some things I am not pround of), forever.

I'm not religious and I don't believe in heaven, but i would like to think that she is out there somewhere. And that maybe I will see her again in some way. Until then I suppose I just have to hold on to the memories.

People have always told me that I am a strong person. But if I'm such a strong person how is it that I feel so weak? Hmm i guess I'm just tired.

Well I've depressed myself enough for one night! I'm off back to bed, but now I've got that Faithless song stuck in my head....."can't get nooo sleep" so that's not gonna help!!

Perhaps i'll just stay up drinking plain old boring water and buying random crap off BidUp TV. God I'd LOVE a big cold glass of white wine right now. But no. Off to bed. ...can't get no sleep...

Well I'm doing okay. Been drinking my water. I've swaped the 2 litre bottles I was using for 1 litre bottles. That way I can think "oh well done me another bottle down", rather than thinking "oh no i've not even emptied one bottle yet". Must think positive.

Haven't cheated. Haven't eaten anything I shouldn't have.

Everything went okay at hospital today. My weight is still not low enough to start treatment (but I knew that anyway). Have to go back in 8 weeks. Need to loose 1.5 stone minimum in the next 8 weeks. Consultant said it is okay to keep doing the VLCD during the next 8 weeks but that I'll have to stop then to have the fertility treatment. The consultant we saw today was really nice. She seemed to have genuine compassion,empathy and understanding. She didn't give me a hard time or make me feel like a failure for being overweight. She's great - I wish all doctors were like her.

Need to start doing more exercise. Pretty much ANY exercise would be an improvement on what i do at the moment Yes. Must try harder.

So here's to another 8 weeks of stinky minging foodpacks. Yey.

Phew. Think I've calmed down now. Feel better for having a rant.

I AM going to loose AT LEAST 5lbs next week even if i have to use public toilets ten times a day (eeewww it makes me cringe). I have to stop being such a girl and get over my fear/obsession of toilet germs

Well I have spent full day training. Didn't touch the buffet. Sat there drinking my water with a halo glowing above my head. Nice one. Was a bit embarrased by the fact that my breath stank but just tried not to breathe near anyone and reminded myself that it would all be worth it when I've lost lots of weight.

Went to weigh-in tonight, was quite excited as I have stuck to it all week, haven't cheated once, was expecting to loose 5lbs or thereabouts.

And I lost....

....big drum roll....

2 pounds. 2 measly fecking pounds. Could not believe it. 2 freaking crappy pounds. I'm so pi##ed off!!

If I wanted to loose 2 pounds a week I would be going to weight watchers and paying a fiver instead of £50 and not forcing myself to drink minging "foodpacks" that barely resemble "food" at all! Arrrghhhh.

I am so mad. I'm gonna stay in tonight, scream and shout, stamp my feet and stick my bottom lip out as far as it will go. Humph humph stomp stomp. What do you mean I am being childish??

So aparantly I have to make more effort to drink the water this week as that is what is slowing the weight loss down. I really am struggling with this. It would be fine if I had nothing to do all day but stay at home. Unfortunatley though I have a busy job that involves me going out and about all over the place. I am also a complete snob when it comes to using public toilets to the point that it causes me great distress if I have to use them. I realise that it is totally irrational and rediculous but it happens all the same.

Oh and i have probably made loads of spelling mistakes in this post but I am mad.... and when i am mad I can't spell!! arrrrgghhhhhhh

So now i have to go to the hospital appointment on Thursday and be told that I am still too fat to be worthy of the help we need to have a child. Its bollox.

If only my husband could become pregnant instead of me. He has had fantastic weight losses every week totalling 24lbs in 3 weeks. Yep. That's nearly two stone... and I've lost 15lbs. Hmmm from where I'm standing (or rather sitting) right now, men seem to get the easier ride in every situation.

Bah bloody Humbug!

Well I know that according to the old saying "there is no such thing as a free lunch" but that's not strictly true. I am on a training course all day tomorrow and we get provided with a free lunch. I've been to the venue several times before and they always do a great buffet. Loads of the usual sarnies plus samosas, chicken satay sticks, potatoe wedges with sourcream dips, mini onion baji's and sausagerolls. Followed by chocolate brownies, flapjack and a huge fresh fruit platter. God damn I'm gonna be drooling while all my colleagues tuck into the huge free lunch.

I'll just have to smugly drink my water and think how thin I will look by the end of the week. My body is a temple. A bit of a wobbly temple ... but a temple nonetheless.

I've survived another weekend. Whoo!D

I'm so impressed with myself and my hubby for sticking to it for 3 weeks. Hope we can stick to it for another month or so.

It's weigh-in day on Tuesday. Think I've lost about 5lbs. That means my BMI will be 30.5 - just over the maximum BMI allowed to qualify for IVF.

Have an initial appointment with the consultant on Thursday to find out what treatment he recommends and when I am allowed to start. I am pretty sure I won't be able to do IVF whilst still on this diet, but don't know how long they'll want me to wait before starting treatment. Hope its not too long. Then again, we've waited three and a half years already so another couple of months won't kill us!

Those Dominos Pizza ads on tv are starting to do my head in. I am starting to miss the taste of real food. But the choice i have to make is what do I want more... a pizza or a baby.

Not much to report really. Feel fine. Stuck to diet. Haven't been tempted to stray. Don't feel hungry. My breath stinks and my digestive system seems to have slowed right down(hmm nice).

Got into a routine now with drinking the foodpacks. I have a double wild berry milkshake for breakfast, chicken/veg soup for lunch, a meal for tea and a coffee & muffin in the evening. It is boring but it works so I'll stick with it for now.

Mid-week is easy. Weekends are a bit harder because every social occassion seems to involve food or drink. But I can find ways round it.

The slimmer me & hubby get, the fatter our two cats seem to look! I'm sure cats aren't really meant to waddle when they walk. Hmm think they're gonna have to go on a diet too.

Well am pleased to say I am back on track today

I've had three of my foodpacks and managed to down 5 1/2 litres of water which is a personal best for me.

Started to get lots of comments from people that I'm looking slimmer, healthier and "radient" (sp?) which is a great feeling.

Still getting the odd "ooohhh well THAT can't be healthy" comments from people but now choose to ignore them rather than try and justify myself.

Before I started this diet my clothes had all got really tight and I was starting to look like the incredible hulk. I had stashed loads of clothes up in the loft because I just couldn't get them on. I'm pleased to report that I have now raided the loft and can fit into my clothes again! Yey.

Didn't quite make it to the gym today had a lie in instead. Think I needed though so not gonna worry too much. Have been out and about with work so done plenty of walking around. Must try harder tomorrow!

Have been craving quite a few random foods over the last few days.
I really miss mango, tomatos, pasta, bananas, melon, crunchy nut cornflakes, raisins, mackrell on toast and carrots.

Strange really 'cos I thought i would crave things like, chocolate, kfc, chips, sausages, crisps, biscuits etc but I don't. In fact i was on the phone to my friend who told me she was eating an Ikea Hotdog and it turned my stomach to think about eating such crap. Quite bizarre.

Oh and would realllly like an alcoholic drink, lager, wine, vodka, malibu ...anything with a kick to it really. Water is sooo very very boring. But necessary.

Well am off to cook up a chocolate muffin (choc foodpack mixed with water & microwaved) make a coffee and finish watching the Aprentice.

Weighed in today.... 3lbs off.

It's okay I guess but I was a bit dissapointed to be honest, was hoping for more like 5lbs. Nevermind.

Stayed to the meeting after weigh-in. Won't be doing that again in a hurry. The whole hour consisted of gormless women either (a) complaining about their mothers or (b) complaining about their "little ones" who were all "surprise" babys. It was pretty hard to listen to considering that (a) I lost my beloved mum to cancer 6 months ago and (b) we have been trying for 3 and a half years to have a much wanted baby. So yeah it was hard listening to them complaining about the two things that I would do anything to have in my life.

I know one thing for sure my gas bill is gonna be huge this quarter. I have the heating cranked up on full most of the time cos I'm FREEZIN!!

Well I have survived a Saturday night out drinking water. It was quite a strange experience being stone cold sober at a wedding while everyone else was getting more and more drunk (including the bride who was totally legless!!)

On the whole the diet is going okay but I have lost my temper so many times today. Been having screaming arguments with DH and throwing things around the room . Normally I am very placid and not quick to anger at all. But today arrrghhh I am so very very ratty and snappy. I think the reasons I have been so bad tempered are:-

1. Lack of calories
2. Frustration at the impact this diet has on my social life.
3. Frustration at the lack of support when you tell people you are doing a VLCD and the "oh well that can't be healthy" comments.
4. Fed up of trying to justify to people why I want to loose weight quickly (while not telling them about the IVF 'cos that is none of their business.
5. That yesterday I was in a down/bad mood and thought it would pass overnight...but actually today i just feel worse but angry instead of down.
6. I don't feel like I've lost any weight this week and am gonna be so very mad if I have suffered all week and not lost a single pound.

Oh well. I'm off to bed. Hope I wake up in a better mood tomorrow.

Well I think i'm on day 10 now of W8 diet or is day 9?? I'm not sure.
My enthusiasm is starting to fade a little and I'm starting to feel hungry during the day. But I know I have to stick with it.

I've eaten 2 boiled eggs today that i shouldn't have had.. and I had more salmon last night than I should have had. Hope I haven't messed it up... I will be mortified if I don't loose weight this week. Surely I can't have done too much harm.

We're going to a friend's wedding do tomorrow night. Going to feel like bit of a leper sat in the corner with my glass of water while everyone else gets drunk and tucks into the buffet!! But I just keep asking myself what do I want more a baby or a glass of wine... a baby or a pizza.. a baby or a chocolate bar.... of course it is still the baby that wins every time. I hope I do get a baby after all this, afterall there's only a 30% chance that the IVF will work. Not exactly guaranteed no matter how much i starve myself the meet the NHS's requirements.

Think I'm just having bit of a down day today. Had a major stress at work today and would normally have come home and cracked open the wine and got a takeaway for tea. But I suppose that is how I have got overweight in the first place!

I will be more positive again tomorrow.

Just thought I should explain to anyone that reads any of my posts that I am not solely pre-occupied by my weight or this diet in the real world!! It's just that I use this blog to record my thoughts and feelings about that one particular aspect of my life in the hope that it will help me achieve my goal.

Well am off to drink another freaking rancid milkshake with a water chaser! Rock and Roll eh?!?

Whhoooo!! I've lost 10lbs in my first week! Yippeeee!!

Am going to celebrate with a big glass of.....water.

Well I should have gone to be weighed in yesterday but couldn't go as I went to see Sugar Babes with my sister & niece. Must admit I wasn't looking forward to it that much and didn't think I really knew many of their songs. Boy was I wrong!! I was singing along to every song and they were really good!! I'm glad to say there were singing live as well.. none of this miming malarky. So yeah, the verdict is Sugar Babes rock!!

The diet on the whole is really easy. Don't feel hungry, just feel happy, healthy and slimmer by the day.

My hubby got weighed in yesterday. He lost 12lbs in ONE WEEK. OMG!!!! They do say men will loose weight faster than women but nearly a stone in a week is amazing. I feel a bit guilty now for suspecting that he had cheated at work

I'm hoping i've lost at least 7lbs and will find out tonight when i get weighed.

Thanks for your support!