Well I don't feel any better and a good nights sleep isn't gonna make things go away.

Its all quite embarrasing really but basically I had an abscess on my arse, it has appeared about four times over the last 1-2 years. It reared its ugly head again last Sunday and by Monday morning I couldn't take the pain any more so went to A&E to get it cut and drained.

Ended up being admitted to the ward and having surgery to remove the infected tissue and insert a cutting seton into an anal fistula that the surgeon found. I'm not gonna go into the gory details but if you have ever had the misfortune of having a high anal fistula and/or an abscess you will feel my pain!!

I could have lived with this if it was a one-off operation. HOWEVER the Doctor told me that I will need to have several operations under general anasthetic over the next 6-12 months. This is because if they cut my bum muscle all at once I could end up being incontinent. Nice.

The main problem is of course that the whole reason I am loosing weight is because in a few weeks I am supposed to be starting fertility treatment. I cannot have the operations to heal the fistula if I am pregnant.

So my choices are:
1 Delay the fertility treatment - fix my bottom and be pain free or
2 Have the fertility treatment and put up with a leaky pain in the butt.

To be honest I don't feel like I have a choice. I have waited three and a half years for this chance at having a baby and I can't delay it any more.

So its back to the hospital in three weeks to see if the bum surgeon can work something out for me... like putting a draining seton in for the next 12 months or something or anything but just not putting my life on hold any longer, because I just could not cope with that.

So yeah, basically, I'm having a really shit time. I am in considerable pain, I feel degraded, going to the toilet is a complete trauma, in fact moving/walking/sitting is a complete trauma, I cannot see that I will have anything of a sex life in the near future, I am gutted that I am off work AGAIN, I am worried about paying all my bills when I'll only get sick pay, I feel like everytime i dare to believe that things are going right for me I get hit with some other shit to deal with. Most of all I miss my mum. HAPPY DAYS!!!

Oh yeah, on the diet front... I've hardly eaten anything all week, though my hubby has been looking after me and making me meals off the "food list". I haven't moved round much either, and I haven't drunk that much water cos its too much of an ordeal running to the loo every 5 mins.

I'm gonna try and make it to weigh in on Monday, so we'll see what happens. I better have lost SOMETHING though or I think that will be the final straw!!!!