Bereavement is a strange and rather cruel process.

I had never felt the full force of bereavement until I lost my mum last September. Don't get me wrong I had grieved for extended family and friends prior to this but never did anyone else's death hit me quite like the death of my mum.

In the very early days I felt the pain and accepted it, to be honest I was happy and relieved that she was finally at peace. The final days were really hard - my sister would stay with her during the day and I would stay with her during the night as we didn't want her to die alone (she was in a hospice at the end). I was glad these horrible few days were over and my mum at peace.

Immediately afterwards my mind would play tricks on me. I would wake up in the morning and for a split second I would forget that she had died, and a second later I would realise that she had gone and feel that sadness all over again. I guessed that this was a normal reaction.

Phase One - Really Shit But Hopeful
I told myself things would get easier/better after the funeral - but they didn't. Then I told myself things would be better once I returned to work - but they didn't. But I put a smile on my face carried on and believed things would be back to normal after Christmas - but no. Even after I had sorted through her belongings, things still weren't any easier or any better.

Phase Two - Really Shit and Hopeless
In mid-January this year I realised that things were actually completely and utterly shit. I can remember the exact moment. The immense stress of the previous 18 months hit me like ton of bricks. It was horrible at the time, but from that moment onwards things really did start to get better and easier. With the help of some TLC from my hubby, a few good friends, and a couple of counselling sessions I was soon back on track and feeling positive again. This was Phase Three - Hopefull and a Little Less Shit.

Phase Four - Okay and Very Hopeful
So nine months on I feel much more at ease with the whole death thing. I can talk freely about my mum without getting upset (most of the time). I can look at photos and remember happy times rather than just feeling sad. I look to the future and hope that one day I can be as good a mum to my children (if we ever manage to get there!) as she was to me. I also find that when people say/do something that my mum might have said/done, I embrace the fact that they remind me of her rather than just wishing that she were here instead of them.

So I can accept all of that. BUT here's the part of the process that I have a problem with and the bit that I find most cruel:-

Phase Five - Anniversary Looming All Old Feelings Resurface, Start Again at Phase One!!!!!!

What's that all about then!?!? A definate design flaw I think!! It takes nearly a year to really feel back on track... but the fact that it's nearly been a year means that you don't feel back on track because you are dreading the first anniversary so you end up feeling like you are back in phase one....Really Shit But Hopeful!

So I'm just wandering how many times I'll have to go through this cycle and whether it gets easier each time. I'm also wandering if there is a Phase Six? I'd like to think that there is one. I'm not sure what it would be called. Maybe just Happiness. I don't know.... maybe someone can enlighten me??

I realise this post has nothing at all to do with the diet. But to be honest I've completely fooked up on the diet front this week and am extremely mad at myself so would prefer not to talk about it!!!