I'm feeling a bit fed up and foolish today.

Fed up because:-
1. Had to abandon IUI - and therefore abandon my hopes & dreams again for another month.
2. The scarring on my butt has started swelling up which can only mean there is infection present - which can only mean I'm gonna have to have MORE surgery!
3. It's my mums birthday in two days and she isn't here to celebrate it.

Foolish because:-
1. I let myself believe that I could get pregnant through the power of positive thinking. Which I clearly can't.
2. I let myself believe that somehow my mum's spirit could influence the outcome of the IUI. Which clearly it can;t.
3. I put all my energy into telling myself that if I believed it and wanted it enough then this treatment would be "the one" and that i would get pregnant. And clearly that is a load of rubbish.

You see me getting pregnant has nothing to do with spirits or positive energy or any other hippy trippy beliefs - it comes down to pure biology. I only hope that one day the wonderful doctors at the fertility clinic can get the scientific equation exactly right and help us have a baby.

Went for scan and blood test this morning. To cut a long story short the drugs haven't worked and we have to abandon this cycle and start again all over again next month following a different regime.

I am dissapointed to say the least

So its back to the beginning. More waiting...more wondering if this will ever work... and more bloody dieting because I will have to be weighed again next month to make sure I am not a single iota of a pound over BMI 29.

So all i can say right now is

Well the IUI is going okay ...so far so good

The supecur injections are probably my least favourite bit so far. They sting a bit and leave a red lump for a few hours followed by a bruise. I've been told that the key is to inject it slowly, and that is exactly what hubby is doing. Poor thing, he feels really mean injecting me when he can see it hurts! I will have to try and be braver tonight

I'm looking forward to going back to the clinic on Tuesday. I'm desparate to know how many follicles I have grown and how big they are. For the past couple of days I've had a mild but constant dull ache on the right hand side just about where my ovary is. I don't know whether this is a good thing because they are producing a big follicle, or a bad thing because they are over stimulated and producing lots of follicles which would mean cancelling the cycle. Oh well, I'll have to wait a couple more days to find out.

Had a glorious day in the sunshine today at my (very pregnant) friend's house. It is always nice but difficult to spend time with her. I hate that infertility has had an impact on our relationship. At the moment it can be difficult to find common ground. She is obviously excited about her impending new arrival and obsessed by all things "baby". I too am excited for her but sometimes find that her large bump is a constant reminder of what I cannot have. I feel tremendously jealous of her pregnant bump and feel so very hurt that I might never know what it is like ... and then I feel horribly ashamed of myself for being such a horrible selfish person. AFter I left her house today I drove myself home in tears.... and then I put on my Eddie Grant CD (which hubby bought me yesterday as a present to cheer me up) and sang my heart out to "i don't wanna dance" until i had stopped crying!

I knew this wasn't going to be easy.... I don't care that it's not easy... all i ask is please please let it work.

It would have been my mum's birthday next Friday. I have a theory that may sound stupid or crazy to other people but it's what i would like to believe.

You see my mum has left a space on this earth...she didn't want to go but in the end she didn't have a choice. Her time had come. I think she left a space in the world for her grandchild. I don't think its a coincidence that my mum's birthday falls on the same week that i will (hopefully) conceive. I think it is fate. I think my mum has died in order that my baby can be born.

I just hope that next month, on the anniversary of my mum's death, I am not still in the same situation as last year (no mum, no baby - just me). That would be really hard.

Oohhhh wooops... nearly let myself think negatively then....noooo...I've turned it around... I will get pregnant this time... my baby will have my mum's place on this earth... happy happy positive happy baby thoughts!!

On that note I'm gonna go. Goodnight!

I'm LOVING this sunshine!! Had a productive day clearing the garden, sorting stuff out and getting loads of washing done. Happy Days.

Didn't have a good start to the day though. Me and hubby spent this morning arguing and snapping at each other. Its just because we are both so stressed with the fertility treatment. And we both know that if either of us is stressed the chances of it working are reduced. So that puts us under more pressure not to be stressed which just makes us stress even more. Argh.

I just hate having things "hanging in the balance" I just need to know one way or another whether I will ever be able to carry my husbands baby? If I knew the answer was "yes" then i could go through IUI 20 times and it wouldn't matter because I would know that at the end of it all we would have our dream come true. BUT there are no guarantees. We could go through this time and time again and in several years time still be sat here feeling like the outcast who can't have kids. The unknown can be a worrying thing. If I knew for a fact that I would never have my husbands baby then that would be okay, I could deal with it and we could consider our options and move on with our lives. As it stands though our lives are completely on hold ...wondering... waiting.... will it work....won't it work....more wondering.....more waiting... I hope we don't have to wait too long to find the anwer... we've already waited nearly four years. I just want to know now either way.

Anyway I am going to dare to believe. I'm going to dare to believe that this is our time and our dreams will come true. Please please let me be right.

I'm hoping for another sunny day tomorrow. Have arranged an alfresco breakfast at a friends house tomorrow morning. Can't wait.

Injections are going okay. Hubby is now being more proactive and involved in the process which is good. Am struggling with the diet. Think i will have put on this week - will find out on Monday.

The extra hormones are not making me feel too bad. Though today I got stuck in a big ass traffic jam on my way home from work and could feel myself getting angrier and angrier and I could feel the anger rising from the pit of my stomach and my heart was pounding really fast - I felt completely irrationally angry and out of control. It was not a nice feeling. I just let it ride and tried to tell myself that getting angry would not help anything.

I remembered how much I love my job today and how lucky I am to work with the kids that i work with. I spent the afternoon with one of my teenage girls who has been having a really tough time lately. We had so much fun together and her strong happy spirit never ceases to amaze me. Sometimes the job i do reminds me to count my blessings. It also reminds me that you don't always have a choice in life. Sometimes you are just dealt a shit hand and it is up to you what you do with it. You can let it destroy you or you can deal with it and go on to lead a happy life regardless.

And yes, i hope i get pregnant this time - that would be a HUGE blessing. But if i don't i still have many things in my life that are good and i'll have to try to remember that. If a child can have the emotional strength to look on the bright side at a time of darkness, then surely i can do the same!?!

I'm feeling a bit ugh today. My skin has gone really greasy and i have a gigantic spot forming on my chin. hmmm lovely! I'm blaming all the extra hormones. I also want to eat everything in sight! I am trying to restrain myself but it is not always easy. I think that's cos i'm stressed... and when i'm stressed i want to eat eat eat. But I can't. I don't wanna be fat again! I've already had 2 digestive biscuits and a packet of love hearts today - oops.

Anyway, I'm loving this warm weather. It would be even better if the sun actually came out as well. That would be perfect. Then I could spend the rest of the afternoon laying on my sun lounger in the back garden thinking happy baby thoughts.

I'm still feeling positive that this treatment will work. I think it is our turn now. It really is our turn for some good news. I am trying to use the power of visualisation to make this work, and am going by the theory that positive things happen to positive people and all that even though it goes a little bit against my cynical and perhaps a little pessimistic nature! So there you go. Anyway it better bloody work or ...or ....or OR ELSE! Oops no, don't get mad just stay happy...happy and positive... I will get pregnant.. i will get pregnant.. i will I will I WILL!!!

i hope i do

Well everything is going well. Been on an early morning trip to the clinic again this morning. Had blood test without much trouble. Got my prescription and picked up my carrier bag full of drugs!

Rang in this afternoon for blood test results. Aparently I have responded really well to the injection yesterday and my FSH level is four times higher than yesterday. The nurse said this is good and i only need to inject a low level of puregon for the next week. But she did also say that they need to make sure my ovaries aren't over stimulated with the drugs because if I have too many follicles we might have to abandon the cycle because of the risk of multiple pregnancy. That would suck.

Anyhow. Its nearly injection time. I'm a bit nervous about doing them. One injection is given using an injection pen so that's easy. The other one is given using a needle and syringe and I'm making hubby do that one for me because I can't bring myself to do it.

I'm starting to get a bit pissed off that my hubby does not really seem very interested in the whole treatment. Its probably just his way of dealing with things...by pretending they're not happening...but it is starting to piss me off. As with most things in this household it has become MY sole responsiblity to know what we need to do and when even though we are both supposed to be in this together! Big GGRRRRRrrrrr!

Oh yeah. The Eddie Grant thing. I have a really strong compulsion to drive to Asda and buy his "best of" album cos i can't stop singing . "gimme hope Johanna... gimme ..HoPe Johanna..." followed by "i wanna rock down to.. electric avenue..." I've been playing them on YouTube and both songs make me do some really wierd crazy dance like i have been posessed.. hmmm better close the curtains now!

Well I went to the clinic this morning - bright and early as planned.

They took a blood sample without too much trouble. For some reason my veins are always very un-cooperative when it comes to giving blood and usually it turns into a complete performance! Anyway, I had one good juicy vein today which was good. The nurse is hoping it stays that way for the next month 'cos there are many more blood tests to come!

Next i had the baseline scan (internal scan using suspicious looking wand thing = dildocam) all rather embarrasing but nothing that the sonographer hasn't seen before!! Was a bit depressing to be able to see the screen showing am empty space in my womb - hopefully that will change by the end of this! Anyway she said everything looked good and she was happy for me to proceed with this cycle.

Then I had the first burselin injection which the nurse did for me. The burselin stings a bit but is nothing I can't handle. Couldn't feel the needle as it is so fine.

I felt very calm and positive today at the clinic. I couldn't get too excited though 'cos one look around the waiting room was enough to remind me what a fragile line I am walking on at the moment... one that could so easily break and leave me devastated. The woman sitting opposite me looked really upset and had obviously been crying before she arrived. Several others had a look of worry and hopelessness etched on their faces. A few of the other women seemed to be quitely hoping that perhaps their dreams would come true - they seemed to look quitely confident that just maybe they would get their much longed for baby. And I was one of those women today. Please let me keep walking this happy line and let my dream come true. PLLEEEAASSSSSEEEEEEE.

Anyway I rang the clinic this afternoon for my blood test results and my FSH levels are perfect, scan is perfect so I am to go back to clinic tomorrow for another early morning appointment for another blood test and another scan. Yippeeee.

I'm too excited to go to bed. I'm not even remotely tired I feel completely wired on nervous/excited energy.
It's starting to dawn on me that this is actually real.... the IUI, the fertility treatment, it is actually happening and the process is starting tomorrow!! There is a bona fide chance that within the next four weeks I could be pregnant. OMG! Okay I know it's only a small chance, the sucess rate is only 15-20% BUT it is a chance nonetheless.
AND I have a really good feeling about this. We have done everything humanly possible to increase our chances of this working - no smoking, no alcohol, minimal caffine, healthy(ish) BMI, healthy diet, folic acid supplements for me, zinc & selenium supplements for hubby and loads and loads of positive thinking. And I think my mum is out there somewhere.. trying to do all she can to make this work for us.
Please let this be our turn.

Been for weigh in today...was expecting to have put weight on but was pleased to find I have lost one pound. Not quite sure how that happened considering all the crap I ate last week but it is good news.

My W8 lady told me off for not sticking to the plan and said i have to try harder this week or she'll be really mad. She said I need to get my boundaries in check and that if I put any weight back on she is going to ban me from her club. So there.

** * ** *** *

I am finally getting started with the IUI. I have to be at the clinic tomorrow morning for 8am (it is about an hours drive away to the city centre so is gonna be an early start for me - don't usually leave the house while 8:30am). They will do a blood test and internal scan to get my baseline figures and they will remind me how to do the injections which I'll start tomorrow evening and will give me my prescription for all the drugs I'll need. I am so happy that things are finally happening. I am soo pleased that after YEARS of waiting on the NHS waiting list we have finally got to the top. please please please please let it work for us this time .... ppleeasee.

My work are being great about all the time off I'm gonna need for appointments but I know it is making life difficult for everyone. We are a really small team and this is our busiest time of year. I feel bad about it but it is out of my control - I have to do exactly what the clinic say, when they say it, if I want this treatment to work. So I'm trying not to feel guilty about it. And I do work really really hard.

Anyway I'm gonna go to bed and try to get a good nights sleep and think lots of happy positive baby thoughts.

Please let this work for us. Please let it be our turn.

Well I've nearly done my first week of "management". I'm supposed to have 3 foodpacks per day and one meal off the food list. The food list gives quite a wide choice now and even includes one glass of wine per week. yum. I have to confess that I haven't managed to stick to "management" for a single day!! I've been freestylin and just making it up as I go along. This includes getting drunk on vodka & diet coke at a wedding last Saturday and tucking into the bbq buffet. It also includes having a cajun chicken wrap with chunky chips washed down by 2 pints of lager & lime at the pub quiz earlier in the week. OMG i never realised how GODDAM NICE a crisp cold half a lager can taste mmmmmmm.

On the plus side though I have been decorating the kitchen so have been rollering the paint on like a madwoman and been up and down the bloomin step ladder about a thousand times. Sooo according to my scales today I have put on one pound. Which while its not ideal is certainly not the end of the world either. I do need to get back into the zone though and start a fresh next week. I can't afford to put this weight back on after all my hard work.

Haven't started IUI yet. Still waiting for start of cycle. Really wish it would hurry up. My (pregnant) friend helpfully suggested that I need to "relax" - some people really have no idea what it is like to experience infertility. If I had a switch in my head that I could just flick whenever I wanted to "relax" it would be simple... BUT I don't because I am human and no matter how much I want to relax I can't because I am stressed/excited/worried/hopeful that treatment will work but don't want to get false hope/scared that treatment won't work but don't want to be negative/trying to talk to hubby so I don't shut him out/trying not to talk to him and put pressure or guilt on him/trying not to drive myself round the bend! sooo you see relaxing isn't always that simple! Infertility is stressfull.

Anywho, I've debated starting a new blog since I'm probably gonna ramble on about the IUI quite a lot over the next month, but since I'm already here I've decided just to carry on with this one. So be warned if you don't want to read the gory details about life at a fertility clinic...stop reading now!!

WAHEY.... I DID IT!!

I am officially skinny enough for IUI!! YEY!!

I might have moaned and whinged my way through this diet but it doesn't matter now cos I'VE DONE IT!!

Whhooooooo!!! I am sooooooo happppyyyyyyy.

I can start my treatment at the start of my next cycle which should be anytime soon.... like in the next few days. OMG!!!

In a few weeks time i could have a baby on board!! OMG OMG OMG OMG............. I AM SOO HAPPY!!!!

Well there is no disco. Just panic.

Arrghhh panic panic panic. What if I haven't lost enough weight?!?!

My appointment is tomorrow it is too late now to loose any more. Oh no!! PANICCC!

What if I haven't done enough! What if their scales are slightly out. What if i've shrunk! What if I get caught in a downpour on the way to the hosptial and have to get weighed in wet clothes ... with wet hair. Am bound to weigh more then!! Oh no. Maybe i should get my hair cut in the morning. That is bound to loose me a bit of weight. Argghhh. I'm not gonna eat/drink anything till I've been but my appointment is in the afternoon. What if i can't drive properly cos i'm too hungry ... oh no.. i hate driving in the city centre as it is... arrghh....panic panic panic. I'll cut my toe nails, finger nails and shave my legs etc... that might loose me a pound or a bit of a pound or something. I'll have to take a huge spoonful of lactulose solution tonight to make sure I'm not carrying unnecessary waste tomorrow that might make me heavier!!

Oh no... think i'm becoming slightly obsessed and loosing the plot... PAAAAAANNNNNNIIIICCCCCCCCC!!!!!!

.....phew......and breathe!!!!

Not quite sure what's brought it on but I've decided I want to get a tattoo. Maybe I'm having a midlife crisis! I dunno.
But I've been thinking about it for ages and have decided when I can find a design I like I'm gonna take the plunge and get it done.
I want a biggish but feminine tattoo on the top of my thigh. That way it won't be visible at work or at functions etc and I can't be accused of having a "tramp stamp"!

I want a tattoo that is personal to me and purely for my benefit. When I inject the fertility drugs, I inject into my thighs. When I feel down and put my head in my hands I rest my elbows on my thighs. When I'm stressed and busy at work and escape to the loo for 2 mins, yep... i see my thighs! So it seems like the best place to tattoo an inspiring/motivational/keep your chin up kind of tattoo is on your thigh. I want something to remind me that actually my life is great even if I'm feeling a bit shite at that particular moment. I'm thinking of having a Latin phrase surrounded by some kind of swirly type design.

So here's my shortlist of phrases so far:-
Aequam memento rebus in arduis servare mentem - Remember when life's path is steep to keep your mind even. (Like it but its a long phrase...gonna be painful!)
Ad astra per aspera - To the stars through difficulty (probably my favourite, but I haven't reached the stars yet so don't want to jinx our treatment!)
Omnia Fert Aetas – time brings all things (not bad but "Fert" looks very close to fart)
Amor Omnia Vincit - Love Conquers All (nice but not very original ..bit cheesey).

So at the moment it is a work in progress. Gotta do more research on the design... and the phrases.

I have already got one small tattoo on my hip/lower back. I got it done 10 years ago when I last got the urge to indulge in some body art. Got a tat of the Virgo symbol. Got my tongue pierced at the same time for some bizarre reason(it has healed up now)...don't think I'll be doing that again though!

Am still here. Still doing the diet...kind of. Doing enough to loose a pound/stay the same. Haven't stuck to it properly... had a slither of birthday cake at my nieces birthday, had a small drink at my friend's wake, have had the odd Freddo here and there. Have eaten out and tried to make sensible choices, have had KFC (2 crispy strips, a small beans & a diet coke.. yum). So i guess really I've been doing my own kind of "management". I'm not supposed to be. I'm still supposed to be loosing weight. Supposed to be trying to get into my healthy weight range. But I've given up being hard on myself. As long as my weight stays the same or goes down a bit then that is fine.

I've realised that I put too much pressure on myself sometimes and that I set myself unrealistic goals then beat myself up when I don't achieve them. (I would never be so harsh on anyone else but am always harsh on myself .. funny isn't it). Anyhow this isn't good so needs to change. So I'm gonna be kind to myself for the next few weeks. I can already feel the stress of the impending fertility treatment starting to build up so the last thing I need is to be obsessing about every morsel of food that passes my mouth. I just need to get to Thursday for weigh-in at hosptial without gaining any weight and then I'll have done it. I will have achieved my goal and the last few months will have been worth it (they are worth it already). Then depending on timing of treatment etc I'm gonna wait a couple of weeks then start afresh with the diet and try to shift another two stone. That would take me down to 10stone 5 .... and what a nice feeling that would be!

Soooo as part of my new "being kind to myself" strategy, I'm gonna book in for a full body Hot Stone Therapy massage asap. Total and well deserved relaxation. Can't wait.

Oh yeah. I'm going to a wedding on Saturday and I'm wearing a DRESS.. not only that but it's a size 14 dress and it looks hot!!! It will be the first time in years that I have been able to put on a dress and a pair of high heels and feel sexy instead of feeling like a drag queen!!! So even if they say I'm still too fat for IUI these past few months of dieting have been worth it just for that feelng alone!